Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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