Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
