i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
