Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
