Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
