just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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