so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
