So drunk its hurt
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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