It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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