Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
