I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
