I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
