Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
