please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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