I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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