I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
