As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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