Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
whose parrot is this?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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