I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
