Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
