My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
