hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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