How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
