in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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