I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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