My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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