a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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