just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
