you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
