The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
