I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
