I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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