his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
