not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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