the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
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