i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
