I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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