whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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