I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
