I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
