whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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