when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
