I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Is this like a preordered booty call?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
