once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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