I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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