And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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