Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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