The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
