It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
