Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
