No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
