I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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